Its almost four in the morning. I'm sitting in my commercial chair and i see the darkness is still there. in another hour it'll begin to dawn, until the darkness disappears and its a brand new day. the reason I'm in here is because of a coincidence of innumerable factors:
i should have hung out with my friends instead of going on a ride.
i should have remembered to ask Tosh for my apartment key.
i should have checked in a hotel after discovering the locked door.
i should have done one of the above.
I am exactly where i am because that's exactly where i need to be. i like the last explanation. why should things go according to plan? If I'd known anyone of the above I'd not be here doing a 4am blog! Life works in mysterious ways they say; well if you're observant enough you'd see its magic. there's nothing mysterious or mystical about it. these glamorous additions make their way when you haven't comprehended the simplicity of it all: unpredictability and constant change!
i tried to find a mattress; thought i'd seen a blanket and a pillow somewhere sometime. the mind can cast shadows when its been stormed and exhausted.
i looked around and saw the office chairs. they have these cushions on them. i took six of them and made a chequered mattress.
i lay on that hard material and hoped my battered body would just pass..into the shadows...into some deep slumber.
"are those conversations in my head or outside the gates?"
i wake up abruptly and my body breaks. boy its been quite a day! the dogs outside bark, yell and groan. None of them will sing!
my knuckles hurt from the punches i tried to hole in on my locked-apartment-door. I hear an alarm! its coming from one of the neighbours that reside next to my office. he's either a religious figure piling on the circumambulations or a early morning jock.
my head and my heart have recovered a bit from the battling they took last night. i didn't know love could contain so much violence! i've gotta be careful the next time i hear that phrase. as it stands; this is what it means:
"i love you (can't you love me back?)
"you killed my love for you" (i wanna be free to use that as i see fit)
the rest of the conversation more or less meanders from these two points. the irony is; she makes me cry. i say something and then its her turn to weep.
its a bloody wailing party and its real.
the rest of the evening was a blur. enveloped and clouded by the insecurities of various emotions at play; i raved, ranted and raged about. the rest of it is almost a blur in time.
why'd we do that? a play of ignorance? a show of samsara?
i dunno. the aftermath is a sobering affair. the tattoos on my body are hurting; there's a swell on my knuckles; my eyes are weary; my heart is quiet and my mind is numb.
sometimes the price you pay for being in love is a lot of bruise and a lot of scars. i never thought about it this way.
outside the teething dawn's got some feathered friends singing in the morning light. the urgency of time left on earth tells me to cancel sleeping through the day and do something productive. but don't these definitions of time, space, love, life, samsara and nirvana get all cluttered when you're bogged down and drained physically and emotionally?
i'm gonna sleep through the day and when i wake up; start a brand new day.