Thursday, August 27, 2009

Going APE

Allocation for Personal Evolution (APE)

It’s New Year’s Eve. I go about the watering holes. Like mine, they are chock-full of pompous overcast faces anxious to usher in the New Year (more out of pattern than delight). Resolutions are talked about. Another yearly malaise that infects remorseful souls! For me, resolutions are proof of how history keeps repeating itself. But life goes on and a lonesome night injected with some meaningful venom can be a real tempter. We are indeed, a poignant horde of headless chickens running amok! And Loser’s just around the corner too.

I’m not cannibalizing the occasion; it’s just how things are; a public depressive form of things. In an attempt to instill a little cheer, I concocted a list of resolutions on behalf of the jokers that we are to the powers that be. If this smacks presumptuous, kick me in the teeth as I’m done with dental feed!

• The immediate construction of a special penitentiary for delinquents breaking the following resolutions. In aptness, the captive abbreviation will be ‘APE’ (Allocation for Personal Evolution).

• No more dull BBS reportage! Not when the bungling houses are in a siesta. Members look dismembered. Is it the open arena and the cameras, a la CCTV style? Guaranteeing unlimited ad-free coverage and the prospect to see which member will pick his nose first and which canary sings the loudest. Should the rigid members feign interest, they may duck the cameras or do an impromptu musical-chair; if not bridge the Mao Khola or go APE for research.

• No more politicians’ grievances! What’s their hang up? Coloured scarves and silver patangs? What’s next? Rhino hide shields and horn-helmets? Someone wrote an optimistic piece about their extended appendages’ symbolic representation of duty. That they can be taken to task precisely because of the empowered ‘bling blings’. On the blunt side, these sanctioned power-emblems go to their heads, with exceptions, forgetting their roots. In short, no more milking the national exchequer for status-symbols. Represent your constituencies’ needs or reimburse the entire said accessory with remorse or go APE.

• No more civil servant rants. It never ends and there’s no solution. The 9-4 (winter concession) officer smugly thinks the nation building exercise is his forte. Should he actually work a good hour, he’s on a high for the next 100 hours. No more personal work in public chairs doing willy-nilly what he wants. Should the boss sight such a subject, an impromptu termination coupled with a one-way ticket to APE for honesty hours be authorized; shoddier fates should await those using public resources for personal prosperity. Collecting public garbage comes to mind.

• No more ACC declarations of powers that rest inscribed in some Yellow Sea scroll. The bullying limbs have grown muscular heights, reminiscent of Hoover’s foot-soldiers. And pray, who checks the ACC? Do go out and trap established and would be piranhas but on clear waters. Make public the methodology employed. Whether it was nets, hooks or dynamites? Was the spear in proportion to the length of the prey? Failure to do so may result in intense public scrutiny and the right to information. If certain scrolls are cited then make dummies and distribute them generously. Inadequacies will result in a humble sabbatical at APE cells or go net the real sharks.

• No more calling officers (civilian, police or otherwise) dashos! All officers carry specific ranks. You address them as such or use the honorific term of ‘sir’. They are way out of their league with the excessive abuse of the honorific title ‘dasho,’ which is exactly that- an honorific title bestowed upon a deserving subject by the king. Should the label apply to a pretender, the person must resist, refuse and protest the ‘moniker’ vehemently. Should the sucker caressing the tshoglham refuse to do so, the sycophant may be conserved at APE as a cobbler.

• No more diversion of issues. If the ineffective ban on tobacco stays, then we expect a ban on alcohol too, along with the ubiquitous doma. The charade is becoming an embarrassing parade. Let those who harm themselves do so at their own peril. Tax tobacco. Use the revenue for better health care. Saving face at the cost of lost revenues and mushrooming black markets is no face at all. Deface the farce or tolerate tobacco traders- along with an explanation on why one house rejects bags and the other bags it? And pray, while the world is in an economic recession, why are we talking pay hikes?

• No more cock-eyed Dorjis and Dems. The RSTA cannot issue licenses as ‘applicants are pretty and giggly’. No more issuance of licenses because the applicants cannot wait to terrorize the roads with their brand new taxis or Prados. Should drivers disregard traffic rules blatantly, vehicles may be impounded and nationalized for public transport. Should those driving luxury vehicles rotate their weight around with dirty looks, wrong turns, double parks and the lot, vehicle may be seized and said Dorji spanked every morning at the Clock Tower Square or learn patience at APE.

• No more street banners. These taunting fliers announcing the gathering of dimwits in some hotel for the duration of whatever days is required to talk and talk with bouts of carnivore buffet displayed on their potty figures and gigantic bottoms gone too far. Do your seminars clandestinely; should banners still appear, anyone may enter and join in the buffet. Those barring entry can go APE for dietary lessons.

• No more use of the term, ‘in due process’ and ‘come tomorrow’. They’re to be banned from the bureaucrats’ vocabulary. Those found using the tag may be reported to APE for immediate detainment and quiet contemplation in solitary confinement. A compulsory notice board to be hung in all government boards with the jingle, ‘at your service’.

• No more lame excuses! If dasho is in a meeting, I want to see him. If dasho has gone on tour, I want evidence. If dasho is busy, I want to know doing what. If dasho has gone out for lunch at 11am or at 3pm, I want to see him eat. If dasho was not conferred that title, refer ‘distorted dasho’ clause and make him APE.

And some assorted desserts deserving the APE bite:

• Doma spats, queues cuts, abusing office computers and fiddling mobile phones when at work and while driving.
Whew! Should the above salient points go unheeded and render this resolution redundant- cackle, chill out and freeze, for we’re all going APE.

Ps: YourLustForLifeStartsRightNow!

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