Friday, September 24, 2010


SAN FRANCISCO - JULY 27:  A Guinea Pig named O...Image by Getty Images via @daylife
I drink. I used to do the chemical factory but I retired from that pollutant, (not that I was gonna join Green Peace) the TOR that made me the Guinea Pig just wasn’t worth it after a while. So I gave up the mescaline and the masculinity of doing it all (on hind sight, the bloody dummies!). Now I drink. It’s occasionally the higher shelves when a rich buddy or two is insistent otherwise it’s the good old Highland – it’s calm, reasonable and mellow and I know when I’m getting the buzz. I start to do the Tortoise walk and if you’ve seen a Tortoise run, you pretty much get the idea how a Tortoise runs. It’s a nursing game. You are high but in-charge of your mechanical movements; such as the walk, the talk and the ten-hut.
I’ve a buddy. I don’t know if I can call him that anymore. 

He’s the Hare to my Tortoise. It gets better. He wants to do the Grasshopper too, along with the mandatory chest thumping Gorilla antics every god-damn time he’s high. And his high-ness is opposed to my low-ness. You see, there are drinkers who drink to enjoy the buzz and then there are drinkers who drink to create a buzz, turn that in to a noisy hum and a repulsive drone that regurgitates endlessly and needlessly. It’s been Donkey’s years and the only thing that’s changed is that there are a lot of the newer generation reps who work at the factory I used to work and who wanna re-create the high and the buzz no matter who’s residing in the zoo.

It starts nice and mellow, and as opposed to the animal imagery above, you smell roses and gardens. 

The bottlenecks are few and far between and everyone’s in an agreeable state of mind. A couple of hours and then the garden of flowers starts to resemble a desert of nothingness – with the odd Camel now sitting shoulder to shoulder with you. The dusk’s now a long gone memory and the midnight dark envelopes everything in its canopy – incoherence of regurgitated stories that maul the ears start doing the Wasp. They fly around everywhere. The battle is truly and well on to find your getaway.
I’m now retiring from the animal factory. See you all in hell. BTW … a few regurgitates to chew on while your head’s resting in the pot ….

A good writer is not, per se, a good book critic. No more so than a good drunk is automatically a good bartender.
Jim Bishop

A man can take a little bourbon without getting drunk, but if you hold his mouth open and pour in a quart, he's going to get sick on it.
Lyndon B. Johnson

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
Joe E. Lewis

A man who exposes himself when he is intoxicated, has not the art of getting drunk.
Samuel Johnson

A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.
Charlie Chaplin

All the mistakes I've ever made in my life have been when I've been drunk. I haven't made hardly any mistakes sober, ever, ever.
Tracey Emin

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Ernest Hemingway

An American monkey, after getting drunk on brandy, would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men.
Charles Darwin

And we used to do a lot of drugs and get very drunk on very cheap wine.
Santiago Durango

Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
Ambrose Bierce

Because of the high altitude, you get drunk really fast. So everyone's drunk all the time.
Clea Duvall

Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus.
Ozzy Osbourne

Come, for my part I will have only those glorious, manly pleasures of being very drunk, and very slovenly.
William Wycherley

Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
Isaac Asimov

Credit buying is much like being drunk. The buzz happens immediately and gives you a lift... The hangover comes the day after.
Joyce Brothers

Don't you know there ain't no devil, its just god when he's drunk.
Tom Waits

Ever since the Greeks, we have been drunk with language! We have made a cage with words and shoved our God inside!
Morris West

Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own punishment with it.
Hannah More

Grant stood by me when I was crazy, and I stood by him when he was drunk, and now we stand by each other.
William Tecumseh Sherman

He is a drunkard who takes more than three glasses though he be not drunk.

He uses statistics like a drunk uses lamp-posts, more for support than illumination.
Romano Prodi

I began imagining scenes in public which some drunk would come up to me and slap me in the face. Nothing like that ever happened, but I often wonder if I would have turned the other cheek.
Max von Sydow

I was doing casual labor by the day. They wouldn't pay you until the next morning. There was a bar that would cash your check if you bought a beer first. A lot of guys never left until they'd drunk up all their money.
Fred Ward

I get drunk writing words. I don't drink or do drugs, but I get so carried away with writing that I get inebriated from it.
John Shirley

I had never, ever drunk beer in high school, and by the time I got to Tech we were having these parties out in the cotton fields and getting so drunk. I was the champion beer drinker; suddenly I was pouring it down my throat... Insane! Insane!
Bob Livingston

I hate crowds of people pretending to be happy on one night of the year, where they get drunk and obnoxious by the end of the night.
Kenny Hickey

I have been brought up and trained to have the utmost contempt for people who get drunk.
Winston Churchill

I like any reaction I can get with my music. Just anything to get people to think. I mean if you can get a whole room full of drunk, stoned people to actually wake up and think; you're doing something.
Jim Morrison

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill

I mean, I don't think I'm alone when I look at the homeless person or the bum or the psychotic or the drunk or the drug addict or the criminal and see their baby pictures in my mind's eye. You don't think they were cute like every other baby?
Dustin Hoffman

I might get drunk one day and fall in love or fall over a hooker outside, and I would have consummated a relationship that I couldn't necessarily believe in.
Oliver Reed

I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk.
John Huston

I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it.
Raymond Chandler

I think getting drunk is the key to flying comfortably. A couple of bloody Marys or several glasses of champagne, and suddenly it's like you're on a roller coaster.
Amanda Peet

I think if you're fame-hungry, go out to a nightclub and get drunk... why do that? I don't understand how some people would want fame so bad that they'd go out and get negative attention to earn it.
Zac Efron

I try not to drink too much because when I'm drunk, I bite.
Bette Midler

I was a savage for so many years of my life. There was some seed of determination in me that I was not conscious of. I was mostly consciously getting into trouble and drunk.
Daniel Day-Lewis

I was always playing the hard-bitten drunk.
Sally Kellerman

I was so delirious that I drank a glass of water, thought it wine and got glorious drunk.
Will M. Cook

I'm like the drunk in the bar who wants just one more for the road.
Archie Moore

I've been drinking tequila for a long time now, and it's never been about drinking to get drunk. I don't do that. I never drink tequila during the day, and I don't drive at night.
Sammy Hagar

I've been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.
F. Scott Fitzgerald

If a woman earned a dollar by scrubbing, her husband had a right to take the dollar and go and get drunk with it and beat her afterwards. It was his dollar.
Lucy Stone
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Mitch Hedberg

If the world were a bar, America would currently be the angry drunk waving around a loaded gun. Yeah, the other people in the bar may be afraid of him, but they sure as hell don't respect him.
Wil Wheaton

If you like to read, sometimes it's interesting just to go and see what the reality is, of the word, of the seedy or not so seedy fiction writer, the drunk or sober poet... Sometimes you can go looking for illumination.
Harold Brodkey

It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does in the same way, that is being drunk and being the father of their son.
Gertrude Stein

It is the hour to be drunken! to escape being the martyred slaves of time, be ceaselessly drunk. On wine, on poetry, or on virtue, as you wish.
Charles Baudelaire

It pays to get drunk with the best people.
Joe E. Lewis

It seems that whatever we do is somehow beyond reproach - murder, rape, drunk driving - as long as we go on a TV show and apologize.
Eric Stoltz

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns

It's not a crime to get drunk.
Joe Bob Briggs

It's not name dropping, but not many people can say, like me, that they spent the day with the likes of Francis Bacon or that boring drunk Dylan Thomas. You don't forget things like that.
Jeffrey Bernard

It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.
Shirley MacLaine

Life on the road can get a little one-dimensional. I didn't want to reach 40 and have to say all I'd done was look out the window of a tour bus and get drunk.
Bruce Dickinson

Love, with very young people, is a heartless business. We drink at that age from thirst, or to get drunk; it is only later in life that we occupy ourselves with the individuality of our wine.
Isak Dinesen

Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.
Lord Byron

Many people have played themselves to death. Many people have eaten and drunk themselves to death. Nobody ever thought himself to death.
Gilbert Highet

Modern morality and manners suppress all natural instincts, keep people ignorant of the facts of nature and make them fighting drunk on bogey tales.
Aleister Crowley

'My country, right or wrong' is a thing no patriot would ever think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying 'My mother, drunk or sober.'
Gilbert K. Chesterton

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
Henny Youngman

Nobody can write the life of a man but those who have eat and drunk and lived in social intercourse with him.
Samuel Johnson

Not drunk is he who from the floor - Can rise alone and still drink more; But drunk is They, who prostrate lies, Without the power to drink or rise.
Thomas Love Peacock

Not every man remembers the name of the cow which supplied him with each drop of milk he has drunk.
Shmuel Y. Agnon

Of course I get drunk, my brain is only the size of a walnut.
Mark McKinney

Often people display a curious respect for a man drunk, rather like the respect of simple races for the insane... There is something awe-inspiring in one who has lost all inhibitions.
F. Scott Fitzgerald

One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again.
Jim Carrey

So, after awhile, you can only get so much happiness from a guy who's drunk come up and tell you you're great.
Rick Derringer

Summer is the time when one sheds one's tensions with one's clothes, and the right kind of day is jeweled balm for the battered spirit. A few of those days and you can become drunk with the belief that all's right with the world.
Ada Louise Huxtable

That incident ruined my reputation for 10 years. Get one Beatle drunk and look what happens!
Harry Nilsson

The best research for playing a drunk is being a British actor for 20 years.
Michael Caine

The man who gets drunk in peacetime is a coward. The man who gets drunk in wartime goes on being a coward.
Jose Bergamin

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.
P. J. O'Rourke

There is a communion of more than our bodies when bread is broken and wine drunk.
M. F. K. Fisher

Through everything I've gone through- and I've been everywhere, at the top of the world, in jail, hung over drunk - I never gave up my dream of winning a gold medal in the Olympics.
Dan O'Brien

Unfortunately, a lot of people are stupid. They take drugs. They get drunk and do all the wrong things in life. I just played it straight.
Bobby Vinton

What white man has ever seen me drunk? Who has ever come to me hungry and left me unfed? Who has seen me beat my wives or abuse my children? What law have I broken?
Sitting Bull

When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk.
Richard Burton

When kids hit one year old, it's like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit.
Johnny Depp

When the doors of opportunity swing open, we must make sure that we are not too drunk or too indifferent to walk through.
Jesse Jackson

You don't quite know how drunk you are until all of a sudden you're on the floor.
Gina Gershon

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.
Ray Bradbury

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