Wednesday, October 27, 2010

“u Just Forked With The Wrong Uzu-Wrong-Pa!”

+ the rite thing about the uzu-wrong-pass or
the uzu-wrong-pas’ lust for salt or 
why uzu-wrong-pas’ love evil dead: the army of darkness & (await the jolly salt) 
or i love my dallai salted or
the name is pa; uzu-wrong-pa or
when an uzu-wrong-pa goes blah blah blah

Thesis (A Dark Alley Somewhere in the Unmapped Eastern Thickets): 


A wanna-be Uzu-Wrong-Pa retracing his real-Uzu-Wrong-Pa step-grandfather’s barefoot palm-prints and a self-confessed so called validly-native-to-the-land Uzu-Wrong-Pa met at a Y-junction - a fork with just one path.

They were both equally headed in an identical contradictory track – diffidently dogged not to give way to the other and unbeknownst to them, this was the Uzu-Wrong rite of way (hitherto undisclosed to them by their segregated parents) and when such a snag arises, (the usual rule was to blaze forth a barrage of mind-numbing mental-schisms that would belittle the minds of great men of intellect such as the Uzu-Wrong legends) they verbalized the names of these conversant gods, which were roared and growled out aloud, with fist-thumping chests shenanigans and earth shattering fully clothed Mosaic dances.

There were hiccups of the numinous legends slurping and dripping through the tongues and lips of these two as the two giant midgets stood tall and squat, neither receiving an inch nor the other offering any.

The names stuttered out with poise: Eazzy Zowtong, Ngegay Abo, Aesmestes, Charro Mango, Albus Barsta, Weegaylam Shakeytoopee, Fright Machos, Gaylord Focker, Lengo Drugpa Konhai, Merahijalwa, Chulbulpanday, Chegamoo, Ngameshay, Leakpakdokdok et al.

The mental standoff now unbearable, the two-no nonsensical would and could and we definitely should-be Uzu-Wrong-Pas got straight into the spat, each hacking the chimes of slime from deep within. The dialogue of the witty wizards had thus begun:

 Antithesis: Day 1 (Bright Lights, Big Jungle, Aggression Oozing):

“How many Uzu-Wrong-Pas does it take to change a light bulb?”
Day 2:
 “None. They prefer firewood”
Day 3:
“How can you tell an Uzu-Wrong-Pa’s been snake-bit on his right thigh?”
Day 4:
“He’s cutting his left thigh”
Day 5:
“How can you tell an Uzu-Wrong-Pa’s fishing?”
Day 6:
“He’s calling out to the fish”
Day 7:
“How can you tell an Uzu-Wrong-Pa’s in a Naked Dance?”
Day 8:
“He’s all dressed, like a Ninja (and you can tell, ‘cos he’s winking”
Day 9:
“How can you tell it’s an Uzu-Wrong-Pa cow?”
Day 10:
“It’s the one chewing the doma”
Day 11:
“How can you tell it’s an Uzu-Wrong-Pa cowherd?”
Day 12:
“He’s the one chewing the grass”
Day 13:
“How can you tell it’s an Uzu-Wrong-Pa driving a left-hand car?”
Day 14:
“He’s in the passenger seat steering the wheel”
Day 15:
“How can you tell an Uzu-Wrong-Pa’s lying”
Day 16:
“He’s the one speaking through his teeth”
Day 17:
“How can you tell an Uzu-Wrong-Pa’s secret?”
Day 18:
“He advertises it on BBS and the dailies and the weeklies”
Day 20:
“How can you tell an Uzu-Wrong-Pa’s broke?”
Day 24:
“He’s in pieces”
Day 30:
“How can you tell an Uzu-Wrong-Pa’s loaded?”
Day 36:
“He’s traveling in the trailer of a power tiller”
Day 44:
“How can you tell an Uzu-Wrong-Pa’s in Thimphu?”
Day 54:
“He’s the one sign-fighting the traffic-cop in the middle of town”
Day 66:
“How can you tell an Uzu-Wrong-Pa’s bullshitting?”
Day 72:
“He’s hiding a dung cake in his gho”
Day 89:
“What do bridges do to Uzu-Wrong-Pas?”
Day 104:
“Turns them into divers”
Day 123:
“And where do they dive?”
Day 143:
“On top of the ground”
Day 167:
“What pisses off an Uzu-Wrong-Pa about chickens?”
Day 177:
“That they are always hiding their hands”
Day 198:
“When an Uzu-Wrong-Pa goes downstairs, what’s it called?”
Day 200:
“Going south” 
Day 209:
“And climbing upstairs?”
Day 238:
“Going north”
Day 278:
“And the adjoining rooms?”
Day 345:
“That’s when they stand still and after awhile, drop dead”
Day 364:
“How can you tell an Uzu-Wrong-Pa’s going for archery?”

New Year, Day 1 (Aggression Visibly and Audibly Diminishing):

“He’s carrying khurus”
Next Year, Day 16:
“How can you tell an Uzu-Wrong-Pa’s going for khuru?”
Next Year, Day 23:
“He’s carrying degoes”
Next Year, Day 44:
“How can you tell he’s going for a degoe match?”
Next Year, Day 67:
“He’s carrying his bows and spears”
Next Year, Day 76:
“How can you tell he’s going to the fields?”
Next Year, Day 87:
“He’s dressed in his best”
Next Year, Day 98:
“How can you tell he’s gonna plough the fields?”

After Two Years (Aggression Diminished, the Beginning of a Seemingly Great Friendship, as Both Laugh):

“He’s carrying the bulls”

Third Year, Day 3 (The Friendly Banter Blossoms):

“And what pisses him off about the bulls?”
Third Year, Day 17 (In Need of Barbers):
“The fact that they are being carried”

Third Year, Day 27 (Animals in the Forest Emigrating):

“How do two Uzu-Wrong-Pas greet each other?”

Third Year, Day 56 (The Animals Have Emigrated):

“They share their dallai chilies without the salt”

Third Year New Year’s Eve (The Birds now decide to migrate early):

“How can you tell it’s a bunch of Uzu-Wrong-Pas at a Metallica concert?”

Fourth Year (On a roll – all in one day and with the birds gone, the Fish are in conference, the discussion is moving onto the ocean):

“They are all emotional”
“How can you tell Uzu-Wrong-Pas have watched Dabangg?”
“They have got the pencil moustaches with the blind goggles”
“How can you tell they liked it?”
“They all moved to Utter Pradesh”
“How can you tell an Uzu-Wrong-Pa is on BBS being interviewed?”
“He’s busy acting”
“Why are Uzu-Wrong-Pa postmen always fighting?”
“They all wanna deliver emails”
“And the bright Uzu-Wrong-Pa postman?”
“Licks the emails”
 “How can you tell it’s a dumb Uzu-Wrong-Pa?”
“He tells you”
“And a smart one?”
“Tells the dumb one to tell him too”
“How can you tell an Uzu-Wrong-Pa’s having a party?”
“He’s blasting music from everyone’s mobile”
“How do you know it’s an SMS from an Uzu-Wrong-Pa?”
“Its full of numbers and symbols”
“And how do you know it’s an Uzu-Wrong-Pa calling?”
“The whole conversation is in Hellos”
“And how does it end?”
“With more Hellos”
“When a man-eating tiger from Bengal met an Uzu-Wrong-Pa woodcutter, what happened”?
“The man-eater got eaten”
“And why did he eat him?”
“He thought it was a striped old hog”
“And how did he manage to kill the man–eating tiger?”
“He convinced the tiger his ax was a loaded shot gun”
“But how did that kill the tiger?”
“The tiger was not from Bengal. He was a local Uzu-Wrong-Pa tiger”
“But how did he die?”
“It was a suicide mission”
“But what was the cause of death?”
“The Unbearable Lightness of Being which he’d never finished reading”
“But that doesn’t explain anything?”
“Well. Nothing explains anything when it comes to Uzu-Wrong-Pas”
“How do you know that?”
“I’m from Uzu-Wrong”
“Is that like a Dzong?”
“Yes. We are all Zoned in Uzu-Wrong”
“Should I visit?”
“Not if you are an Uzu-Wrong-Pa”
“But I’m a Bumtap”
“That’s what all Uzu-Wrong-Pas say”
“Okay I’m a Parop”
“That too”
“All right I’ll come clean – I’m from Uzu-Wrong”
“Prove it”
“How do I do that?”
“Zone in”
“But where?”
“Wherever there’s a Zone”
“And then what?”
“And then you Zone out”
“But that doesn’t explain or prove anything… does it?”

Fourth Year, Same Day (Still On a Roll – they notice the jungle is eerily quiet and the friendly banter begins to turn back into an aggressive taunt and jaunt):

“Then get some evidence, man!” and saying that, the authentic Uzu-Wrong-Pa tortured the wanna-be Uzu-Wrong-Pa by dangling him from a bamboo branch threatening to do a Guns N Roses riff on his Krishna flute and when that failed, he said to the jingle of Gabbar Singh:

“Wanna-be Uzu-Wrong-Pa, give me your finger nails or tell me you are no Uzu-Wrong-Pa but a wanna-be Uzu-Wrong-Pa”

Synthesis (Back to Square One and the Unchecked Aggression):

The wanna-be Uzu-Wrong-Pa got so scared and shitless he actually said, being the real Uzu-Wrong-Pa that he was, “Okay! Okay! I’m no Uzu-Wrong-Pa. I was… wanted to be…I…I…I’m only Danny Denzongpa!”

Encore (Climaxing And back to Brotherly Love):

“Then why didn’t you tell me that right from the beginning, you fool of a rongpa!” and saying that, the real Uzu-Wrong-Pa declared that he was also no real Uzu-Wrong-Pa but a wandering vagabond of a lickpa and together they headed back to the hamlet of intellect, Uzu-Wrong – which they fondly called anything but Uzu-Wrong. So it came to be that along the way they mentioned so many varied names of their erstwhile village that when they actually got to Uzu-Wrong, it was filled with people to the brim: people that were darkened skinny, potty-pudgied-bellies, faces mustachioed and bearded, playing noisy cacophony eating smelly little instruments et al.

It was also incredibly hot and humid and the tattered and battered ghos and kiras had given way to smattered fishnet lungis and ganzis.

They had, after decades of sprinting through the wild terrains of the Land of the Farting Dragons, reached what was Dick Gong and accepted the fact that Glocolization had outsprinted and outsmarted them and turned their beloved Uzu-Wrong into a metropolitan hub of hotchpotch ethnicities and a cauldron of bathups and chhozas.
And the first thing the two-real Uzu-Wrong-Pas had done to simmer down their sadness was to go catch an all time classic Uzu-Wrong-Pa favorite: hit the Mig (which they oddly thought was a funny name for a movie hall, seeing as they did that it was clearly a French jet fighter plane) cinema hall across the strange border with people they thought “looked a lot like themselves, although there couldn’t be that many real-Uzu-Wrong-Pas living across from their own transformed Uzu-Wrong, to watch that timeless Uzu-Wrong thriller/drama/action called “Evil Dead: Army of Darkness followed by Poltergeist.”

The End Credits:

To date and last heard, the two-really-fake-brothers-in-arms Uzu-Wrong-Pas are yet to exit the cinema hall, though movies have come and gone, together with that other cinema hall, Norgay, which they swear is a gay Uzu-Wrong-Pa. They can be found sitting at Row No 3 (aka Third Class) as they like, they said, shifting the movies’ angles and throwing hardened channas at the back rows of fake Uzu-Wrong-Pas. The police have not been notified, as none of the channa victims have died, rather, to the contrary, some seemingly clever Uzu-wrong-pas are said to be thriving on these free channas. They can be seen catching channas at the Second Class, Row No 7, throwing channas back at the First Class Rows, who in turn were discovered and videotaped chucking channas in googlys and fast-pacers up at the Balcony Rows (again rumored to be habitated by in-disguised Uzu-Wrong-Pas pretending to be bonafide Uzu-Wrong-Pas spying and keeping records of fake-Uzu-Wrong-Pas who pretend to be real-channa-chucking Uzu-Wrong-Pas.

You see, they were finally amidst their own kind, for the only film that ever played in that screen was “Evil Dead: Army of Darkness”. – And reportedly, the projectionist died in his stool, a humungous dallai khorsani the size of a cricket ball now runs the gamut. Everyone now awaits with frozen-breath the new upcoming flick that is predicted to overtake the old flame, Angry Jolly and her S.A.L.T, awaiting which the cricket-ko-ball-justo dallai khorsani is presumed to be sound and safe.

“How do you know an Uzu-Wrong-Pa’s done telling a tale?”
“The yak’s snoring, belching and farting.”
“And what do you call a rehabilitated Uzu-Wrong-Pa?”
“The right Uzu-Wrong-Pa”

The End.

PS: The Verdict: a secret dossier now jointly declassified by McDonalds and Burger King identifies the following individuals and organizations as Uzu-Wrong-Pas-In-Disguise, or the Brotherhood of the Forks, as they were known for centuries. It’s a veritable list of who’s who in the world of who’s who:

The Pope, Ben Stiller & every character Ben Stiller plays, Galileo, Alfred E Neuman, Garfield, Gabbar Singh, Ramgar Ki Thakur, Vincent Van Gogh, Homer Simpson, Tony Montana, The Dude, Golden Balls, Austin Powers, Hannibal, James Bond, Dr Frankenstein, Tom & Jerry, Jim Carrey, The Expressway, Genghis Khan, The RBP, The RGoB, Johnny Lever, Chulbul Panday, Munna Bhai MBBS, OBL (Osama Bin Laden), The Taliban, Every President of the US with the exception of GWB (George W Bush), The Queen of England, Albert Einstein, Lindsay Lohan, Justin Bieber, M&M and every rapper since Biggies Smalls and Tupac Shakur, characters Denzel Washington portrays, The French, The Dutch, Kim Jong Ill, Kim Jong Will and Kim Jong Still, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Sid Vicious, Bear Gryllis, People on TV, People Watching Those People on TV, Benjamin Franklin and the Money, The Apples, Bill Gates, Keith Richards, Quentin Tarantino, Tshering Wangdi, KASHA, “Jimmy Chew” also known as “Talisman”, The White House, Kramer from Seinfeld, Seinfeld and of course George Costanza from Seinfeld, Hunter S. Thompson, Borat, Leonard Cohen, BOB (Dylan-not the yak that lives near Pobjekah), Superman, Scrappy CoCo, Zohan, Horatio Sanchez, Robin Williams, Salman Khan, Afghanistan, Iraq, Pandas, Israel, Palestine, Diego Rivera, Da Vinci, Darwin, Wolverines, Tasmanian Devils, Robert Rodriguez, Danny Trejo, Steven Seagal, Jackie Chan, Rajnikanth, The Vatican, FC Barcelona, The English Football Team, The Indian Cricket Team, MPs at al.

And Some: 

“What do you call an educated Uzu-Wrongpa”?
“Just Pass”
“What’s the Uzu-Wrong-Pa term for work?”
“Time pass”
“Why do Uzu-Wrong-Pas marry”
“So that they can flirt openly”
“What’s a typical Uzu-Wrong-Pa status on Facebook?”
“Fax me”
“And when you fax him, what’d you get?”
“ An out of breath Uzu-Wrong-Pa from Uzu-Wrong”
“And why’s that?”
“To tell you he got the email”
“And what about the fax?”
“He’ll come back again in a few weeks”
“But why don’t he fax, call, tweet, email or SMS?”
“’Cos he don’t believe in middlemen”
“And why is that?”
“’Cos the middlemen left. They couldn’t handle the Uzu-Wrong-Pass”
“Finally, what’d you call a chef from Uzu-Wrong-Pa?”
“Cook-Pa”
“How can you tell it’s an Uzu-Wrong-Pa writer who believes in impermanence?”
“He’s got white chalk and black slate”
“And how can you tell he really means business?”
“He’s ready to shake your hand”
“And how can you tell he’s not happy?”
“He takes away your hand.”
“What’s a long stick called in Uzu-Wrong?”
“A T.V. remote control.”
“And a short stick?”
“A harpoon.”
“And what are chopsticks called?”
“Toothpicks.”
“And what are toothpicks called?”
“Nothing.”
“How do you know an Uzu-Wrong-Pa’s been to America?”
“He’s got an expensive accent.”
“How do you know he’s going to go there?”
“He’s practicing the accent.”
“How can you tell it’s an Uzu-Wrong-Pa Dasho?
“He moves in slo-mo”
“How can you tell he’s driving?”
“’Cos his driver’s throwing up at the back”

***If you’re aware of information leading to the disclosure of identities/documents and the contents therein regarding Uzu-Wrong-Pas please call/email:
(I-SAW-A-HAPPY -UZU-WRONG-PA 800) *Free Atoll
(iamthereal_uzu_wrong_pa@gmail.com)

PPS: “How can you tell Uzu-Wrong-Pas really love the movies?”
“They live in there”
“Then how come there aren’t any movie halls in Uzu-Wrong?”
“It never occurred to them”
“They’re waiting for one to pop up the ground”
“They really don’t give a damn”

The End. Really.

Ps: YourLustForLifeStartsRightNow!

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